This post is going to be a little fractured, as there have been things going on in my life that have kept me busy and prevented me from writing here. Like a CrossFit competition at my box and me making 100 mini banana breads for a friend. I might have napped at 11am on Sunday. I was so busy, I didn’t workout all weekend–but I did lift a lot of 45 pound weights on Saturday, as my job in volunteering was setting up and taking down WOD’s.
Monday was a pretty great workout–it started off with us doing our 1 rep max on front squat. At the end of June, when I first started, I did 83 pounds. This time I worked on it till I hit 115 pounds. I didn’t get to failure, but I ran out of time. Still, that’s 38% increase in weight since June, which is pretty great! The new trainer Holly has been working with me on my squat form and I feel her help was an aide here, plus the fact that my body is slowly transforming into muscle. This will sound dirty but…I have to say I am basically hard everywhere. Of course there are areas that have some extra padding, but you run your hand over my thigh and you will feel more muscle than fat. Soon I hope to be in the 130’s! That’s my next goal. Maybe in April.
Lately I have been getting more male attention. This has been odd for me. I am sure if you have been reading my blog for a while you know I was bullied in school and I never got a lot of male attention. So to have guys randomly talk to me, have their eyes wander over my body, flirt with me, it’s not something I am used to and I have no idea how to reply. Thank goodness I am happily married, so I don’t have to worry about the attention the way I would have as a single lady. But still, I think this clip from New Girl captures how I react to attention like that.
See the issue is that being as big as I was in my youth made me almost invisible romantically to guys. I did have a high school boyfriend in grade 12 and 13. My true invisibility came in my 20’s, after I broke up with him and I gained weight. I went ten full years without any male being interested in me on any romantic level. It sends a strong message. It played with my perception of myself, it made me feel like I was absolutely hideous. I struggle to this day with how I feel about my attractiveness. I am much smaller and healthier, but inside I am the same person. I am thankful to have my husband. He has loved me at my highest weight and my current weight. He sees something I was told didn’t exist with me for ten years–he thinks I am beautiful and sexy. Because of him I am starting to heal and believe it. But I have digressed. This attention makes me uncomfortable because I sincerely don’t know what they find attractive as I still see myself as the girl who was 280 pounds and eating Reese Bites and Sprite for breakfast. That girl is dead, but her psychology is with me today.
So I might not be as bad as Jess from New Girl, but I do giggle if someone flirts with me and I brush it off. It’s the best I can do. I have no practice for this sort of attention and it’s embarrassing to me to deal with it.
Thanks for listening, I hope that if you see a chubby girl, you will give her a little bit of attention an make her day. She does exist and she is probably exceptionally beautiful inside and out.