I am the queen of excuses. I am becoming more and more aware of this. I have the best intentions, but then my brain kicks in with some subtle reason why I would be allowed to not follow my plan 100%. Some of them are legitimate, like when I get sick or I am pushing myself too hard and need a rest. The less than great ones though center on food. Here is where I am currently:

During the week: I plan out my meals meticulously. I pre-make the eggs for breakfast. I make my own protein bars. I cook chicken in advance and weigh it out. I bring an apple and peanut butter or pre-sliced veggies and humus. I eat every two hours basically. What gets me though are two things. Starbucks. I love their coffee! I am a creature of habit and I love getting a skinny vanilla latte. This is made from sugar-free syrup and skim milk. Overall it’s not terrible for you, especially in comparison to their other drinks. But the fact that it is a grande and that milk naturally has sugar in it, still makes it a sugar-filled drink. I have bought a coffee machine and I do drink that, but if I had my choice, it’s always Starbucks. Always. My second vice, which is much worse, is my addiction to ice cream. I eat it everyday. The is a Marble Slab across the plaza from me and I like going there on my lunches, getting out of the store and spending time in the sun eating ice cream. Let’s discuss the ridiculous amount of calories, fat and sugar in Marble Slab ice cream. It’s much higher than the ice cream bought in store. Especially the birthday cake flavour. Also on some nights I will eat vanilla ice cream with strawberries. So all this hard work I do, pre cooking all my food is sabotaged by my desire to eat ice cream and drink coffee. I don’t really feel the coffee is terrible for me, but the ice cream sure isn’t broccoli.

Weekends: This is my major downfall. Weekends my mind goes on vacation. Friday nights are “date night” with my husband and I love going out for dinner with him and spending some quality time with him. Here is where things get dicey. I know the right thing to do is not to eat the roll or chips and salsa before the meal. This is so hard for me. Especially at Mexican restaurants. I love the chips and salsa. Plus I have a husband who loves getting the bread or chips before dinner so when I take a stance of not eating them it’s torturous to watch him eat it. I also have some bad weeks at work and will have a glass of wine with dinner or at Pappa’s Seafood I will have a delicious Hurricane which is a juice filled vodka drink. Now I don’t really have dessert, and I order very clean at restaurants–always asking for food to be made with little to no oil, making my own dishes to add in more veggies, etc.

So here are the things I need to do, which will be hard because I really like them.

1. I need to stop the ice cream. I am doing all this hard work during the week. I workout all the time. And it’s not a sin to be eating ice cream but it sure isn’t self control to be eating it every day. So I need to make it a treat instead of a daily occurence. My goal this week is to have half the amount of ice cream I normally do. In time previous, I would have tried to go cold turkey but in my Weight Watcher’s meeting yesterday, they highlighted that small changes make a big difference and that if you try to go cold turkey and make drastic changes, you are more likely to fall off the wagon and binge. And I have a big history of doing that. So moderation. This week half–so 3.5 days of ice cream instead of 7. The next week, half of that, so 1 day. I think one day a week of ice cream is totally fine.
2. I need to stop the restaurant pre-meal snacking. I need to ask my husband for help here. I can’t watch him eat the bread and not eat it myself. So I need to ask him to support me and forego the bread before dinner. He is a pretty amazing guy and he tells me all the time how inspirational I am, so I feel he will support me on this. I am always afraid of asking for help because I perceive it as me being weak. But after reading an article on how asking for help will help you get you to your goals faster I need to accept that I am human and ask for the help.

These are the two small changes I want to make over the next few weeks. I firmly believe that this will help me meet my goals, make me healthier and teach me moderation and self control. I am also hopeful it might help me deal with my demons a bit. The ones that say to me “You have had a hard day, you deserve this.” or “You have enough calories/points, it’s ok to eat this.” I come from a family where these excuses were the norm and they helped get me to the point that I was at–280 pounds and morbidly obese. I have to fight against these justifications, possibly find something else to reward me for a hard week at work other than food. This is going to be a continued and hard battle. Food is an easy pacifier. It’s readily available, less time consuming than a manicure or pedicure and it makes me feel good. Almost instantly. I know there are other people who are going through this with me. All I can say is have faith. Make small changes. Be aware of your patterns. And have the positive mindset that yes, you can change. That you deserve to be healthy and fit. I keep telling myself that. I have a husband who thinks I am the most beautiful person. I need to start really listening and seeing it too.